Every single muscle fiber in my body reminded me of its presence when I tried to rise from my bed this morning. They were so taut and tangled that all commands from my brain went unheeded. Brain is to be blamed too for such loose leash on my physic and the excuse is exhaustion. It took considerable effort to convince one to convince the other and get them all up and ready for another full day’s work. Life has been this way for the last one plus month.
After my long maternity break, I was overjoyed to get busy again and expend my energy on a variety of tasks. Commuting 8 km to and fro office in my bike, concentrating on work, back home to play with my toddler, nurse and rock him, managing household chores and attending to little bits and pieces here and there has stretched my bed-time to a minimum of 1 AM in the morning and that is during the weekdays. Weekends are packed with shopping for groceries, provisions, plumbing work, electrical work, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah…I’m running out of fuel and I find no time to replenish. Why can’t nature bless me with 30 hour days?
The irony of it is that I love these individual tasks that keeps me busy. Morning bike ride is great if I happen to escape traffic. Work gives me a lot of scope to learn with enough challenges. My little Akhil, come on, I adore him and spending every wakeful moment with him is so much fun. Household chores, its my house and I like to tidy and polish the tiles to perfection. With helpful husband at home, friendly neighbors around and understanding management at office, I have nothing to complain really. My only problem is that everything is happening together that I have started getting breathless.
I don’t get a little alone time that I can spend for myself. No time to have a nonsense love talk with my husband or the daily private hug that we used to share before. Any conversation is a discussion to do something or to make plans, execute them…just materialistic every day stuff. No time to reply to my friends’ mails, no time to Gtalk, no time to read a book, no time to blog, no time to write my diary, arrey, no time to drink a cup of coffee peacefully without having something or the other run through my head or to get disturbed by my sleeping son. To get it all is luxury, I know but to get nothing at all is bad, very bad. For a person like me who finds harmony with solitude now and then, to re-charge my system, such continuous cravings can be detrimental and I’m afraid that is exactly what has started to happen.
There are a few special days when my son chooses to sleep through and stay awake for very long hours in the night. Those days are real nightmares. Working during the day, staying awake with my kiddo in the night and working again the next day is inhumanly difficult. Worse if he is awake because of any illness. I’d be so worried about him combined with my own weakness that I’d be tempted to jump out from my balcony.
It wouldn’t take much time to call it all quits and stay at home, happy with my baby. Honestly, in today’s metro life where the price of 1 kg of rice has shot up close to Rs.40, single salary with home loan EMIs is definitely not sufficient to provide quality nourishment and education for our off-spring or for a comfortable living for the family. If finance is one side of a coin, personal gratification is on the flip side. Choosing to stay at home voluntarily is good but believe me, after all the years of studying that you do and if you have passion for your work as well, forcing yourself to remain alone at home day-in day-out due to circumstances, can lead to a different kind of depression, the kind that I was suffering from before I joined workforce again. I’d rather stay this busy.
Women everywhere have been tackling this problem for ages and ages. Is it because they were full-time-mothers? Or is it because they had support from their parents? Or is it because they have transformed to a multi-tasking machine that doesn’t take time for its own greasing and overhauling? Well, if I were to be that machine, I doubt if I would be able to make a good one at that in the long run. And again, women are problem to women themselves. When I speak to a lady who is a happy home-maker, she looks down at me as if I have neglected my house and kid. When I meet an ambitious career lady, she looks down at me for not being a full concentrated career woman. Women like me who are juggling in between trying to strike a balance, are too busy to look up or down on anything. What they don’t realize is that we are sailing with two legs on two different boats, ready to trip into the water at the slightest mistake while they are comfortably seated in one, swaying their hands in passing waters. Mind there, I am referring only to those lady-folks who have a big mouth or a long taunting tongue. Not that I care, but it would be so much better to be left un-bothered. And to do all of this and more, there are still women in some places paying dowries. Such injustice!
Alright, back to track. You see, when frustration crawls in, every little taint in the society would fling your anger like the way it has in me right now. With Diwali coming up in two to three days, life is even busier with sweets and snacks preparation in the little of the left-over time if any. But then, this was a choice that I made. Just like how I enjoyed my childhood days when mom prepared delicious Diwali delicacies, I want my kiddo to enjoy the same. So here I am toiling with oil and stove for hours, cleaning up later on, the result of which was the refusal from my physic to rise up this morning. Women though strong in many things are unfortunately weak with sentiments!