Archu From The Archive, Personal

Calm Confession

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Twenty-three is the prime of one’s life. For that matter, between twenty to thirty is when you are in the pink of your life. You would have long crossed dependent childhood, you would have lived thru incomprehensible adolescence and had just passed quarter life crisis. Going forward beyond thirty, you would be greeted with more challenges – marriage, family, job, promotions, ego, prestige and worse of all, dependant oldage again. But at twenties, you are free but responsible, you are freaky, still respectable. This is when you can be yourself, you own true unshackled self. You have your youth to fuel and energy to be exploited. Set your mind for a cause and put your spirits to action, you can dream impossible dreams and force it to come real. Your learning from the past, your vigor of the present would take you thru your future, rather march you to your future because you are in your twenties!!!

Motivating uh? This is how I’ve been constantly motivating myself to curtail the feeling that I am feeling these days. I feel like an young unmarried widow!!! Shame on me! I rebuke, rebel and retaliate with my dead emotions which for no reason is willing to get rejuvenated. I am not sad, I am not happy, I am not depressed, oh man, am not even empty…what to say, I am just fine. ‘Serendipitous Suicide’ was my threshold. Having crossed that, I’ve crossed all fears and expectations from life, have become daring and dauntless with a blissful aimless calm that prevails all over me all the time. Stuck up in a stagnated pond which gets messy and muddier with every passing day.

I know my potential and my perseverance, my only problem is the demoralizing disinterest that has incurably possessed me. I don’t make any pebble move an inch not because I can’t, just because I don’t want. Rather than moving against the wind to reach my destination, I have decided to change my destination to the direction of the wind. In simple language, sailing with time is so much more simpler. Until that day when times change, I am not going to swing my ores!

I would be so much at peace if I am left to that by myself, but nah, life isn’t going to spare anybody that easily. I see people expecting me to give my best, getting judgmental when I don’t. No, I don’t blame for I know it is for my own good. Yet, I only feel rebellious and aggressive when thrust with expectations. Why should I work myself? What have I gained having done so for all these years of my life except disappointment from all corners? For a change, why can’t I be different? Why can’t I be left alone? Man is a social animal but allow me to be the odd man out. I rush to my hometown every weekend for the want of privacy – privacy of thoughts, feelings and people! The only elixir to my suffocating self.

Parents have started singing their tunes. “Archu, boredom and loneliness is unhealthy. Get married and get going, you will see the change that you long for”. That was so simply and gently said and to some extent understandable too. Parents are parents! But how do I make them understand that I have lost faith in men, no, I’ve lost faith in people in general. I long for a family, I long for in-laws, I long for cute little children but a strict no-no to the husband factor. When I cant trust anyone with hundred rupees, how can I trust someone with my life? Even if I do happen to get the slightest crush on anyone, it immediately sets hundreds of warning bells in my mind ringing “Beware! Beware! He is going to break your heart”.

Time heals! Another adage quoted as advice which I am tired of hearing again and again. Time heals wounds not memories, atleast not mine! Thanks to HIM, he has taken care of that! I am both blessed and cursed with memories that I have to endure without escape. There isn’t any to my knowledge, believe me, I’ve tired it all! With my personal goals unwillingly squashed, professional goals willfully tarnished, I proceed to live my life for the little social goals that still lingers somewhere, that is, until I lose faith in society at large.

Forgive me, disclaimer comes at the end this time: This post is yet another venting of thoughts kind. It might or might not be relevant to the one that preceeds or succeeds and was purposefully intentional.

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13 thoughts on “Calm Confession

  1. Time does heal…Not the mind but just the heart….Cos u r never hurt on ur mind …but its this small blood-filled organ thats full of empty chambers in it inviting everyone to cause damages..

    But I wud say its good in a way…cos memories always need to stay for they r the ones that always take the first step to trigger their neighbouring cells to initiate a few processes in ur mind like: THOUGHT, AWARENESS and individual GROWTH. We are wat we r for we have our memories with us..

    So let them remain until ur harddisk goes full.. 🙂

    Am too bad at blogging/commenting…But you shud appreciate me for this is my first attempt 😀

  2. Hi Mam,

    The first thing you could try (not compelling) is to start reading some good self motivating books. This works like this. You are constantly talking about memories and you blog head line takes some script related to memories. So when you start filling your mind which is in present with as much of good memories (occasionally bad memories will creep at that time start filling conciously with good memories), one good day you will become free and you would see the life way you like to see. No one can pull this of you. Life cannot be put in a blog comment box :-). Any ways we all are trying to map it to present time. Nothing is perfect outside. Everything can be perfected inside. That’s how the world is 🙂

  3. Hey Arch… the first para was splendidly optimistic and bright… didn’t expect the post to be otherwise… everything changes in life.. so ur current position will change for sure too.. only u have to try n pull urself thru ur present state without being irreparably affected … nth changes overnight…

  4. Archu,

    This post and the previous one “Serendipitous Suicide” took me by surprise. I could never sense anything so wounding in you, when we met on Thursday night. Let me be frank, about one thing, I was in the same frame of mind as yours months back. But not now!!

    Well, I am not going to tell you that, Time healed my sorrows, it might have, but more than that, something else worked out for my good. That something was my memory, of our school days, the same days when we used to stand in order every morning hands folded and what? Pray? Nay speak to God!

    We were happy, and even today, I always consider school days to be the best part of my life. And I am sure you will agree with me. Do you know why? Cos what we were taught at school was nothing more than truth. Pure truth.
    Archu, Trust me…”Love and kindness still rules the world”. .We were taught the right thing.. “DHARMATHIN VAZHVU THANNAI SOODHUI KAVVUM, DHARMAM MARUPADI VELLUM” …When you feel that in this world there is no longer a place for truthfulness remember that they are passing clouds, illusions…

    Truth always wins…Hey you thing all the religions in the world, which say the one thing that “Truth always wins” could be wrong? Never Archu!!

    But then, try this out. It always works. Sit in a calm place, so that no one disturbs you. Just think of all the positive things that happened during our school days. Why were we happy? What made us really happy? Was it just our aims, goals, lack of exposure alone that made those innocent years happy? No Archu, we had a strong and unshakable faith in God! That is the only reason..

    If there was one mistake that we did, it was compromising this pure faith, that we had as kids, for the mere illusionary experiences we encountered during our lives. That was our only mistake. Correct it and life becomes beautiful again.

    Do you remember the song which sister Emiliana taught us…

    Something beautiful
    Something Good !
    All my confusions,
    He Understood!!

    He always understands us, better than ourselves. Oh, why we fail to realize that archu. We keep talking about, those “he”, “him”, and all who broke our heart, but do we give at least a single thought to “Him”, who constantly loves us.. That’s our biggest mistake archu.. Even now, He is waiting for us, arms open, to hug us, wipe out our tears, and give us nothing but happiness! “ Try that Archu!!

    Trust me, there is no better solution to all you problems than PRAYER!!!

  5. Sometimes certain incidents happen in life that may make us feel shattered but as times passes you will realise that what has happened was for your betterment. You will feel silly that you had been wasting time brooding over such matters.

    I somehow feel that your parents are right. You need to think ahead now, instead of pulling yourself down. I am sure all that has happened is just to give you a better life than the one you sought for. Say yes to your parents and you will see a new life, an entire new world. That is the best medicine for you now.

  6. Hey Archu, I being your fellow Taurean can very well understand what you have been feeling. 🙂 You remember the day we spent talking about the our respective lives. I could sense something coming up and something running through your mind.

    The only suggestion I could put forward for you is that- try seeing life from multi-dimensions, analyse what others feel and expect from you, and most importantly have a optimistic approach in life. Just try to give your best everytime what ever might be the case, and leave the rest in the hands of God. He is always there with us, to take care of things which are not in our control.

    I think I have told you this b4, as always what I keep repeating-“Whatever happens, it happens for good!” 🙂 (My thoughts might b sometimes a bit wierd, but not me)

  7. I wish not to advice people. But i damn sure you are not gonna listen to me or anybody. You gonna do what you feel but don’t be too crazy. Keep going. It’s not really the end. Take, digest, if not, vomit but make your mind clean and keep moving….. I hate to see you frustrated though problems are small are big. I love to see you better… I don’t pray for you. It’s your life. You have to…..up

  8. a blog like this and all of a suddon u tell ur manager a guy misbehaved with u proves very chldish ad u cannot act sooo innocent …as if u cant handle that incident….

  9. @vijay & patil: I knew u wud understand this better than anyone else. fella taureans u see…vijay, we’ve spoken abt this n patil, we’ll be speaking abt this sometime sooner…so no futher replies to u except for a heartfelt thanks. I will go on 🙂

    @anonymous 1: I had tried that. Didnt u read my first para? Books n philosophy help u know things…i know them too…the problem was not with my mind but the feelings which takes some time to heal, the more u push it, the more it lasts…am unwinding myself till then…recovering! And thanks anyways, let me keep trying! (I think i know who u r…u cud have given ur name buddy)

    @Meens: yes meens, i agree with u. “Until that day when times change, I am not going to swing my ores!”…but only until that day. On my day, once i am up n about, i’ll live my life the way i had planned to…having friend like u who knows me for nearly 20 yrs and motivating me in need removes all my doubt. i will be alrite soon 🙂 thanks dear!

    @sakthi: honestly, i was so much touched reading ur comment. u not only helped me feel better but u have actually made those schoolhood memories fresh in my mind which by itself is a tonic. i am not thanking u here, that wudnt be appropriate, …we can never put all those wonderful schoolhood memories in a simple blog or comment…will give u a call soon…we’ll chat good old days..:)

    @anonymous 2: since u have kept ur identity anonymous, let me guess u from ur comment. u shd be someone who knows me but not too well. still, there was that maturity n concern in ur comment that made me feel good. thanks to u too…hopin u wud continue to comment future posts but without anonymity!!!! 🙂

    @shreenivas: what more can u expect from a hyper-philosohpical gandhiji? this is not the first time u hear bouncers from me, is it? 🙂

    @anonymous 3: thats exactly what i was doing…vomitting out here in my blog and in the process cleansing my mind 🙂 u’ll soon see me better. u know, only during bad times, we’ll get to know the true colors of people around us. so many comments n concerns has impressed me, strongly disproving my disbelief in people…u know, maybe there is still hope… thank u!

    @ANONYMOUS 4:hey there…wait a min! who said somebody misbehaved with me? n by any chance, this post sounds like a complaint to a manager? chiiiiiiii! if i had issues like that, i wudnt be sitting here cribbing, wud have gone abt taking actions…come on rey, as of now, none of my friends or colleagues or even ‘Him’ for that matter has misbehaved with me…they are too decent for that…one thing i gathered from ur comment…i am sure u r someone u doesnt know me one small bit and have come to ur own misguided conclusions…sorry brother, u r wrong n the commentators above am sure will nod their head to that…relax, if u have some problem with me, lets talk, blog comments shd be relevant to the post u see…anyways, for ur effort to think BIG, thanks u 🙂

    @everybody: i am not crazy always…circumstances sometimes makes u look back n sting u…i wrote this post in one such mood. just a vent as i had mentioned in my disclaimer…so people, dont worry! i havent lost a grib over myself, not yet! thanks a lot to each of u for ur care n concern.

  10. Came in here through Pavithra’s blog, and i just felt that maybe the following passage from literature may just be what you need.

    “That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release
    them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing
    with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t
    expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts,
    don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood.
    Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply
    because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change
    the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were
    and become who you are.”

    Just let everything go through you…and stay where you are!

  11. Hey Archana,

    I am not sure what i write here is much relevant to this post. Anyway this came to mind, just thought to put across. Last week i happend to see this movie “THE KARATE KID”. There is one scene in the movie. Where the Hero (Who is a mentor in the movie) hits his car and brokes in to pieces and worries about his past mistake which lead to the death of his son and his wife. Then comes his Student who listens to his past and then asks him to come out of the car and then they practise. Hero Thanks the kid later and says “Life puts you down in every possible cases, Later it is up to you whether you want to get up and fight Or the other ways”……. Stop thinking here…. 🙂 :)…. I did not mean to advice….. I just remembered this scene after reading your blog….. 🙂 🙂

  12. @Lakshmipathy: This is a very old post. You can see it from the date. I had kept in hidden for a long while. Today, I was working on my blog template and when I saw this post, I was like ‘Big Deal’ uh and published it again. That was a phase of life that I am no more in…Still, thanks for THE KARATE KID example…I’ve seen the movie too and I understand what you are taking about 🙂

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