Motivating uh? This is how I’ve been constantly motivating myself to curtail the feeling that I am feeling these days. I feel like an young unmarried widow!!! Shame on me! I rebuke, rebel and retaliate with my dead emotions which for no reason is willing to get rejuvenated. I am not sad, I am not happy, I am not depressed, oh man, am not even empty…what to say, I am just fine. ‘Serendipitous Suicide’ was my threshold. Having crossed that, I’ve crossed all fears and expectations from life, have become daring and dauntless with a blissful aimless calm that prevails all over me all the time. Stuck up in a stagnated pond which gets messy and muddier with every passing day.
I know my potential and my perseverance, my only problem is the demoralizing disinterest that has incurably possessed me. I don’t make any pebble move an inch not because I can’t, just because I don’t want. Rather than moving against the wind to reach my destination, I have decided to change my destination to the direction of the wind. In simple language, sailing with time is so much more simpler. Until that day when times change, I am not going to swing my ores!
I would be so much at peace if I am left to that by myself, but nah, life isn’t going to spare anybody that easily. I see people expecting me to give my best, getting judgmental when I don’t. No, I don’t blame for I know it is for my own good. Yet, I only feel rebellious and aggressive when thrust with expectations. Why should I work myself? What have I gained having done so for all these years of my life except disappointment from all corners? For a change, why can’t I be different? Why can’t I be left alone? Man is a social animal but allow me to be the odd man out. I rush to my hometown every weekend for the want of privacy – privacy of thoughts, feelings and people! The only elixir to my suffocating self.
Parents have started singing their tunes. “Archu, boredom and loneliness is unhealthy. Get married and get going, you will see the change that you long for”. That was so simply and gently said and to some extent understandable too. Parents are parents! But how do I make them understand that I have lost faith in men, no, I’ve lost faith in people in general. I long for a family, I long for in-laws, I long for cute little children but a strict no-no to the husband factor. When I cant trust anyone with hundred rupees, how can I trust someone with my life? Even if I do happen to get the slightest crush on anyone, it immediately sets hundreds of warning bells in my mind ringing “Beware! Beware! He is going to break your heart”.
Time heals! Another adage quoted as advice which I am tired of hearing again and again. Time heals wounds not memories, atleast not mine! Thanks to HIM, he has taken care of that! I am both blessed and cursed with memories that I have to endure without escape. There isn’t any to my knowledge, believe me, I’ve tired it all! With my personal goals unwillingly squashed, professional goals willfully tarnished, I proceed to live my life for the little social goals that still lingers somewhere, that is, until I lose faith in society at large.
Forgive me, disclaimer comes at the end this time: This post is yet another venting of thoughts kind. It might or might not be relevant to the one that preceeds or succeeds and was purposefully intentional.