Archu From The Archive, Personal

Clueless Confusion

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What is wrong with me? I am all serious and intense, planning, pondering, preparing, mulling and musing most of the time. My last few posts for proof. I don’t really blog about sweet little simple things of life anymore, do I? I don’t feel any rush of excitement, thrill or temptation. I don’t laugh a genuine hearty laugh. Nor do I feel upset or sad. I have a ton of unchecked items on my checklist but I don’t find enough enthusiasm to tick it off. No matter how much I yarn or resist, I cannot deny life happening to me. Day by day, minute by minute, it is happening and not exactly the way I would have wished for it to, not the way I didn’t want it to either.

I am not complaining but I am not satisfied either. Something keeps gnawing deep within about where I am headed to and where I wanted to. I know I cannot stay in this place forever. I know I need to change things. I know what to change even. Only the time and effort that it would take appalls me before I could say get-set-go. And yes, after many encounters with earnest efforts yielding fruitless results, I am now trailing on borderline pessimism, which I pacify to myself as proceeding with trepidation.

Where is that girl or lady who had colorful dreams and passion, ready to plunge into life and see the bottom of it? I am not her anymore. I can only see her fading away like the fog, not knowing whether what ahead is a pasture or precipice. Am I really steering my life or just sailing with it? Except for the core crew, my husband and son that is, the passengers are mounting and dismounting at every harbor, some leaving us glad, some thankful and some raw. I don’t think I even care anymore, at least not about who is on board and who is not. As long as the ones abode doesn’t wedge a crack, the ship will keep sailing. I only wish I knew the destination.

As I was looking through old photographs, with every face zooming in and out by turns, I realized that the moment frozen in a photograph is frozen for that moment only. I don’t feel the same things today that I felt about each of them then. Some came closer, some drifted apart and some just phased out. Some wear these wide smiles that don’t reach their eyes. Some wear the know-it-all hat and look down upon us. Some who say things that they don’t mean to. People change, I’ve changed.

It’s not good. I should just gather myself and go on. We all know stuff like that, don’t we? Does that knowledge help really? In all honesty, no, it doesn’t. No matter how positive we goad ourselves to be, we get tired after a while and let our hair loose, sometimes our heads too. Unless things change, unless we see a faint light at the end of the tunnel, it is really not that easy to saddle up and ride on. Phew! I just want to sit in one place, not move a finger and meditate to a different world of dreams. Or just pack a back-pack and go trekking into forsaken forests or damp dungeons. I probably would have if I didn’t have my husband and son to care for, who love me in spite of my muddled mind. Maybe they are the two solid reminders of reality that forces me to pause all pessimism and go with the flow. And I am just doing that, letting life to happen in its own course, waiting for it to change course. Someday it will.

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10 thoughts on “Clueless Confusion

  1. Dare I say it’s just a phase? When you move from being a single on the move to a settled mom, suddenly there’s a sense of ennui that creeps in. You’ll move on…

  2. Take a break from work. visit people who you think might have changed from being good. For all we know, they really might be good to you. the most important driving force in one’s life is faith on people. do not lose faith on people. the entire world is yours. go,conquer them all with your smile and open heart.

  3. If you were a believer I would have told that God will lead your path so just trust in him. Since you aren’t one, trust your instincts and reflect on the happenings of your life. You will realize that all that happened till now is for good and leading you to a goal.

  4. Well what is happening to you is considered healthy…Man does get himself to place where he questions his own existence the meaning of all this….For me it happened during my last years of school, leaving me washed out, depressed for years..I was never the same person again. I think it is a natural form of pruning that happens..We cut down the external multiplicity and choose to grow internally instead.

  5. Archana,

    Clueless Confusion post also makes me (as a reader) Clueless of your state of mind :).
    Do not worry i am not going to advice 🙂
    If I had a vision to go back and see the happiest moments in different stages of life of Archana (like childhood, School and college days, love days, marriage, Akhil birth, With
    Love and Candy Creation Days,Vodka Days)
    I would have said (With Thalaila oru kottu vachu)
    “Hey archu, these all things made you so happy, just because you became a mother & Wife does not mean you have to miss all these and do remember this for your entire life”.

    But what to do I could not vision it.

    If Bob Marley had lived now i would asked him to sing this song “Don’t Worry Be happy” for you (ofcourse i will also come to your house to see him sing in your house :))

  6. @Everyone: Hey guys, all of you, thank you very much for your comforting words. You might now know why I didn’t reply immediately, after you’ve read my next post. It felt a little bad for playing sad through this post. But know what, more than anything elsem you through your comments showed me you cared and for that I am indebted. Thank you very very much and for being a reason for me to not lose hope on people completely.

  7. Oye!!! Enna aachi??? why this kolaveri???

    this state of mind doesnt suit you… everyone has their own problems to deal with but i know you as a person who can deal with any difficulties any time… i have seen you as a bold AUNTY always ready to face any difficulties in life 🙂
    It doesnt suit if I advice YOU… Coz we all know giving advice is simple than actually following it…

    Thodachu pottu ezhindhudu Archana 🙂 Arasiyal le idhellam sadharanam appa 🙂 Be happy always as you were…

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