What is wrong with me? I am all serious and intense, planning, pondering, preparing, mulling and musing most of the time. My last few posts for proof. I don’t really blog about sweet little simple things of life anymore, do I? I don’t feel any rush of excitement, thrill or temptation. I don’t laugh a genuine hearty laugh. Nor do I feel upset or sad. I have a ton of unchecked items on my checklist but I don’t find enough enthusiasm to tick it off. No matter how much I yarn or resist, I cannot deny life happening to me. Day by day, minute by minute, it is happening and not exactly the way I would have wished for it to, not the way I didn’t want it to either.
I am not complaining but I am not satisfied either. Something keeps gnawing deep within about where I am headed to and where I wanted to. I know I cannot stay in this place forever. I know I need to change things. I know what to change even. Only the time and effort that it would take appalls me before I could say get-set-go. And yes, after many encounters with earnest efforts yielding fruitless results, I am now trailing on borderline pessimism, which I pacify to myself as proceeding with trepidation.
Where is that girl or lady who had colorful dreams and passion, ready to plunge into life and see the bottom of it? I am not her anymore. I can only see her fading away like the fog, not knowing whether what ahead is a pasture or precipice. Am I really steering my life or just sailing with it? Except for the core crew, my husband and son that is, the passengers are mounting and dismounting at every harbor, some leaving us glad, some thankful and some raw. I don’t think I even care anymore, at least not about who is on board and who is not. As long as the ones abode doesn’t wedge a crack, the ship will keep sailing. I only wish I knew the destination.
As I was looking through old photographs, with every face zooming in and out by turns, I realized that the moment frozen in a photograph is frozen for that moment only. I don’t feel the same things today that I felt about each of them then. Some came closer, some drifted apart and some just phased out. Some wear these wide smiles that don’t reach their eyes. Some wear the know-it-all hat and look down upon us. Some who say things that they don’t mean to. People change, I’ve changed.
It’s not good. I should just gather myself and go on. We all know stuff like that, don’t we? Does that knowledge help really? In all honesty, no, it doesn’t. No matter how positive we goad ourselves to be, we get tired after a while and let our hair loose, sometimes our heads too. Unless things change, unless we see a faint light at the end of the tunnel, it is really not that easy to saddle up and ride on. Phew! I just want to sit in one place, not move a finger and meditate to a different world of dreams. Or just pack a back-pack and go trekking into forsaken forests or damp dungeons. I probably would have if I didn’t have my husband and son to care for, who love me in spite of my muddled mind. Maybe they are the two solid reminders of reality that forces me to pause all pessimism and go with the flow. And I am just doing that, letting life to happen in its own course, waiting for it to change course. Someday it will.