Archu From The Archive, Personal

Introspection

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An eye-opener moment! We all get that once in a while, don’t we? Someone out of the blue for no specific reason suddenly gives us clarity. Something out of nowhere helps put our perceptions back in place. Somewhere deep within, our memories are stirred, memories about moments, memories about people and memories that matter. We wake up from life with a jolt and realize what keeps us alive.

A casual email from a friend from a while ago made me open my eyes wide, see my present self critically from the eyes of the person I was in the memory of that friend that emailed me. Many times, I’ve drawn strength from my past and used to it to fuel my future. “If you could do that then, come on, Archu, the present challenge is nothing in comparison. You can do it now!” – This has been my motivational pitch to myself in front of the mirror whenever I felt low or defeated. Today, I feel that it is perhaps time to revise my pitch.

My life has changed 180 degrees in the last two years or so. It took a lot of hard-work, determination and cooperation from my immediate family to drive the change in my favor, to steer my life in the direction I willed it to and come out of the metamorphic tunnel that I once believed I was in. I am proud of that, no doubt. With the wishes pouring in from my well-wishers, I should admit to getting a little high inside my head.

Just about a month or two ago, let’s just say, things happened that triggered memories from my past and pushed me right back to the rock bottom, all inside my head again. Now that I’ve started my new job in arguably one of the biggest corporates and the experience that comes with it, I am slowly rising back to surface.

The alternate high and low tides have got me muddled, and I am afraid that I might get drifted either way unless I stop for a bit to collect and compose myself. I desperately need to plant my feet firmly on the ground like the Taurean bull that I am and find my footing before I begin to dig in.

I figured that one of the ways to do that is to admit my weaknesses to myself, admit to things that I want to change and not want to, come up with actions items and work on them one by one. I have managed to tackle a few this way, but most often, life comes in the way with more experiences that the list is constantly updated and the earlier ones are forgotten. So here I am taking the bold step of admitting them all out in the open, in my blog so that I feel the pressure of invisible eyes prying on me and forcing me to act.

1) I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. I haven’t been reading much either. I have been excusing myself saying that I am busy and that I would write when I find the time. That is only partly true. I am not writing because I have become very conscious of what I say in my blog and the social media. I am worried about diplomacy, political correctness, and judgments that these filters have started killing my creativity. I need to find the right balance between expressing my originality and going mute.

2) I have trust issues. Yes, that’s true. In the past, I have been too loyal for my own good and had learned my lesson the hard way. Those experiences have made me so hurt and insecure that I have fenced myself as though I am waiting for someone to pull the carpet from under my feet. While I can smile amiably, be polite, friendly and all that, it takes a really really long time for me to acknowledge someone as a true friend. I have to work on letting go of the ghosts of my past and live the moment.

3) I have had a wonderful childhood that I cherish to this moment. Honestly, while my body succumbed to biology, my mind was a child till I was sixteen. But from sixteen to thirty years, I have had many responsibilities to shoulder, manage a few adults who were behaving like children, and raise my own kids. I often had to think beyond my age that I have knowingly or unknowingly become very mature. I had kind of bypassed my teenage years totally, transitioning from a child to an adult directly. Today at thirty-three, I am funny, weird and child-like on one day and extremely wise and philosophical on another, all the while missing those teen craziness. Among the people who know me, some call me quiet and reserved, and some call me talkative and bubbly. Opposite adjectives! I surprise myself every day and confuse people around me. I guess I have to use my adult self to discipline the child in me and try to settle for balance.

4) I CANNOT PUT UP WITH PRETENCE. I have put that in uppercase because that is how much I detest it. Good or bad, I can get along with people however they are, as long as they are who they are. When someone pretends to be someone they are not, I am not sure what part of them is true and what is not and what to believe and what not to. That feeds back to my trust issues, and I go walking away the other way, sometimes obviously and sometimes silently. Well, today I understand that pretense is inevitable in certain situations, and I should refrain from judging blatantly and give everyone, including myself the benefit of doubt.

5) From having been emotionally alone and drained of affection to finding the love of my life and having two adorable children with him, my family is my everything. Without giving detailed explanations, when I say family, I mean only my husband and my two children. Everyone else falls under the “extended family” bracket. I have dreams and aspirations that I would work towards tirelessly, but family remains right on the top of my priority list. Anything that challenges the harmony of my family will have to take the side step. Selfish though it sounds, this is one aspect that I would never want to change and would try to work my world around it.

Alright, we got five paragraph confessions for the day. I will revisit this post every now and then and use this as a scorecard to see how am I doing so far. Having decided to let go, here is my revised pitch – “Archu, you have created a new beginning for yourself. You can do it again and again!”

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