I am under that spell again, the one that makes sure that everything we do goes exactly opposite to the intended direction. Why spread its fangs on my blog too? Why make my refuge known so I cannot go there and hide again? Is that why I was absent from my blog for a while? Maybe yes. But then, how long can I refrain from doing things that I want to, fearing it to go wrong? It’s spell-breaking time. I’ve done it before, I can do it now.
I might make it sound like I am on the edge of a huge precipice, ready to trip into an abyss at a single footstep. That’s because I am good at exaggerating. Trimming that out, it’s nothing but a chain of everyday inconveniences that frustrates me to the edge of a precipice. What shall I say? We make a call for a doctor’s appointment but the phone is not reachable. We finally get the line, make an appointment but the traffic blocks our way. We manage to huddle through the traffic and reach the doctor’s clinic ten minutes late and the clinic is closed. By then the ailment for which we wanted to get treated in the first place starts acting out painfully. Such inconveniences, suicidal no but suffering yes. None of these happened really but exaggeration needs examples. What is happening is somewhere between the exaggeration and the example.
When I wake up these days, I am unable to give myself a good morning smile. I don’t blame my orthodontic braces. They are just superficial. I’m talking about the ‘from-the-bottom-of-the-heart-happy’ smile. I don’t wake up with a gloomy face or tear-filled eyes either. Not that I am suppressing emotions, there really isn’t any need for that. What else then? I just wake up like waking up after futile attempts at going to sleep. Sleepless nights precisely. Why? Thoughts.
Thoughts! Oh my God! (I use God only as an expression of speech). Like a schizophrenic hearing voices inside his or her head, I keep thinking things all the time. So many things around me, happening, not happening, sometimes the way it should, sometimes the way it shouldn’t, sometimes the way it should and I don’t want it to or the way it shouldn’t and I still want it to, sometimes needing immediate action, sometimes wanting total inaction. Such sometimes happen many times causing infinite threads of thoughts running in parallel. Not exactly parallel either. Perpendicular. Criss-crossed. Tangential. Tangled. Basically confusing, confounding and compounding. Why take time to think?
The problem is not about taking time to think but not having time that I can take to think. Before one issue gets addressed, the second one joins its predecessor adding to the agony of celebrating the third’s birthday while the fourth just begins to take shape. I find my mind sometimes get heated like the processor when the coolant fan doesn’t function properly. Auricle of my heart says ‘Go baby go!’ while the ventricle calls for a shut down. What started as an itch had become a rash, eager to leave a scar if only I would allow it. So far, I hadn’t allowed and more far I wouldn’t deny.
As if to give company to the thoughts, memories from the past spring to the surface as more thoughts or shallow dreams to remind me exactly of things that I’ve vowed myself to do. Things that the current situation isn’t helping any better, making the self-aggression even stronger. Totally clueless proceedings tend to trigger philosophical insights like ‘Who was I?’, ‘Who am I?’, ‘Who will I be?’, and ‘Who do I want to be?’ and then my quest for answers kicks of another bunch of tangled thoughts messing up the grey matter, white matter and other colourful substances of the brain.
Take a deep breath. Relax. Chill out. Watch a movie. I did. I watched ‘Kung Fu Panda II’ where the Panda masters inner peace and throws the fire-balls left right and centre. If only I could be that Panda throwing away those crowded mumblings inside my head entirely out of my human system, will I be able to attain peace. If not total peace, at least peace enough for a restful, thoughtless, dreamless quiet sleep. Are there Pandas around?