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Serendipitous Suicide

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I would rather have my head smashed with a hard iron hammer or my brain ripped with a razor-edge saw than having my heart flanged with a hundred thousand needles. My bleeding soul pleads for a hearing which gives me a strong desire to script my suicide. Don’t get started or shout for the police, at least not yet. I am still alive and I don’t intend to die tomorrow. An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. The devil in me is now all active and wants to possess anybody and everybody who were a reason to set it loose and hence this blog. I would recommend the weak-hearted not to read further for it would hurt your beliefs, offend your morals and misguide you by all means.

Some writers have this habit of scribbling a cross or the symbol of their favorite deity before they commence their article. I am no writer but still I would start my grievances with God for he is the major culprit behind the scene, the major scapegoat for my anger when I cannot direct it on anyone in particular. As I do not wish to incur the wrath of any religion, I call him by his unanimous common name ‘God’. I’ve transformed from a theist to an atheist and today I am agnostic. If you were me and were made to live my life, you wouldn’t blame me for my sudden references to fate, astrology, numerology or other such ologies.

Gone are those days when I used to line up in my school morning assembly, hands folded in reverence and eyes blinded with belief and faith. So many prayers and so many fables to instill strong moral values in an innocent child and make her falsely believe that love and kindness rules the world. God, the master of creation had sealed my fate when he packaged me to this earth in the same manner any dealer would pack his products with its instructions and user manuals. Seven consecutive years of misfortunes had made me strong, hard and now brittle. Seven consecutive years of hardships had made me realize that I had been armed with useless weapons during my school days. So long, I had endured every challenge with my courage, patience and perseverance only to find more getting into the queue every day. Today, I feel like giving up for once and saving myself some unequal battle. In short, I am fed up and frustrated beyond tolerance that I prefer the demons of the hell than the hell of this world.

The suicide of any young unmarried lady is always sensational for all the sinfully juicy gossips and translated interpretations of the one conclusion that has convinced the society for ages. What could have happened to push this lady to such an extreme step is likely to be the subtle analysis by less sentimental folks at the finale of the deceased. I have no intention to quench any curiosity or answer any concerns but I have to take every measure to safeguard my dignity and self-respect so as to at least allow my already dead soul rest in peace. While my feelings and emotions had been raped, mutilated and murdered I am still morally good, medically a virgin and spiritually pure. This blog can be taken as my authenticated signature for a full-fledged post-mortem to eliminate any wrongful ideas that my suicide might encourage.

The only plausible explanation that I could give is an overdose of emotional stress for an age that couldn’t handle but still forced to. An overdose of consequences to face without being the cause. I speak not of today for it dates back to seven years and has become a chronicle illness. Ever since, there were different causes and different circumstances to keep it going. I am tired of swallowing my feelings, blinking back my tears and licking my wounds. I am tired of putting on that plastic smile and cheerful pretence when I am all but shatters inside. I am tired of trying to fight misfortunes away from me all along. I want to howl, scream and scratch every unpleasant happening that had been undeservingly bestowed upon me, forget my geniality, pour my hearts out and end it all for good. If that is called cowardice, I don’t mind being a coward for I am tired of staying bold and straight faced. I am tired of living.

Well…well…well…that would make my suicidal testimony just in case I take a turn in that direction. They say suicides are spontaneous and more by reflex. I guess I wouldn’t have much time to blog on that at that moment. Hence I leave this as a testimony to save a lot of digging work to the police. “No one but me is responsible for my death”. So much for my pessimism but the optimistic me raises its head in admonition and gives me a shot of strong condensed antidote.
1. God tries his trustees but never lets them down.
2. You are tested profoundly to be rewarded in a big away in future.
3. Adversity is the touchstone for character and you are carved today for a better cause.

With these self-boosting, I go on to face the next trial……

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12 thoughts on “Serendipitous Suicide

  1. Hey Arcs… this is not The You 🙂
    so keep in mind – “God didn’t have time to make a nobody, only a somebody.I believe that each of us has God-given talents within us waiting to be brought to fruition.”
    and remember:
    “If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.”

  2. Hey wait for some more time. you will surely be rewarded. I didnt expect a blog post like this when you just look upon the previous posts you have written. Please talk to someone regarding your problem. Do not take any extreme step whatever may be the reason. Love and live ur life.

  3. Hey Archana…lemme first tell u – i very much relate t’ur predicament…even i’ve been hit HARD so many times…by whoever (i dont want to use any term to describe this whoever). But i try to follow a simple aim – “The harder u hit me, the harder i will bounce back and the larger will be my smile”!!
    To give an example, i was at one of the most depressive point of my life 8 months back. Today, am having one of the best days of my life. The only point i wanna mention is – Notin changed in my life. Jus tat i kept a challenge with tis “whoever”. And i’ve won!!! Jus by my pure aggressive determination, jus by overlooking the rocks thrown at me.
    Actually, am a bit surprised tat “whoever” has been quiet for quite long. Am bracing myself for a 9/11 kind of attack. But i’m not worried. Cuz I WILL BOUNCE BACK!! U definitely hav it in u to do the same….

    P.S : I’m one of ur frnds frm MInfy only. I honestly dunno why i prefer to be an anonymous commenter. But maybe, if i feel, i wud reveal who i am sometime.

    Cheer up gal. A pretty lady like u cant afford to be down.

  4. Thanks for the understanding. I perfectly agree with you. The harder we r hit, we harder we bounce back. I had been practising the same too…just that at one point, I got too tired of everything that I wanted to give it up. But then…once i had vent out my heart, i feel slightly better and energised to face whats next…your comments really made me feel better…kind of, if someone else can face it, so can I…afterall life isnt fait to everyone 🙂 Thanks a lot for those comments. Please let me know who you are. You have already told that you are one of my friends in Minfy, why anonymous?

  5. Hey Archana… I’d been on a looong leave n saw ur mail late n checked ur blog even later… the suicide note was very strongly worded… that I could sense u were truly frustrated…. though I must admit I never expected uto contemplate suicide… wotever supportive words I might have wanted to give you are already given in the other comments… I would like to point at something entirely different… As far as I can remember, I see that this post of yours is richer in vocabulary than all the rest of yours… It makes a really good read… So, lesson learnt ? the strongest emotions bring out the best in people… so vent your emotions in constructive ways, as u’ve done now, and u’r bound to have amazing results… I believe and know and guarantee you that this policy always works !!

  6. Strange
    this blog
    from you.

    yet understandable…worse, I can relate to it.

    No advices…no consolations…U know I never gave any…life never gives you any…

    If you are interested in similies, take this as a tough lesson
    which
    a) you dont want to read
    b) dont care to read
    c) still have to read

    PS: Sorry couldn’t reply to your mail

    PPS: Cheer up! There is still hope left and its definitely worth fighting for 🙂

  7. Archana, I can feel your pain and anguish..Your post is very thought provoking..But the quotation you wrote “An idle mind is a devil’s workshop.” is the most important part of this post.

    All of us go through UPS & DOWNS in life. That happens to the very rich and very powerful too.

    Stress does NOT come to us in powerful Muhammad Ali punches. Stress comes to us as “child like jabs.”

    First and foremost we have to associate with people who are POSITIVE THINKERS. we should keep away from those nay sayers and see the “cup half full.”

    We should always keep our mind occupied. we can never allow mind to stay idle.

    Last but the least we should practice “HAMSA” ….”the baby Pranayama” of Raja Yoga.

    Hope you will write to me. I wish you all the very best Archana. My prayers are with you.

    http://www.amiahindu.com/

  8. @AM I A HINDU? Best Seller: Thanks for understanding and empathizing. I wrote this post in Jan and now its June. Somehow when I re-read it now, it hurts yes but not as much as it pained me when I wrote it. Meaning, I am overcoming it I guess. I am glad for that.

    Your comment sounded philosophical and I love philosophy myself. Wanted to write to you and checked out your webpage.

    I was just wondering if I would contact the wrong person. Hence, just to make sure…Is ‘AM I A HINDU? Best Seller’ and Ed Vishwanathan – Author of http://www.amiahindu.com one and the same.

    Please comment me back and we’ll take the rest in mails.

  9. Archana, Extremely sorry for the delay in replying. I write all over the internet and most of the time, I forget where I wrote and when I wrote. That is the reason why this delay.

    I am the author of AM I A HINDU? and I am an engineer by profession. I wrote that book for my own personal needs and never ever thought it will become and international best seller. I never ever thought millions will love to read my book.

    Please feel write to me at
    aamiahindu@yahoo.com

    I shall reply.

    Many people correspond with me on a regular basis since 1988.

    I respect their privacy and allow them to keep the anonimity, unless they want to divulge that to me. I also stop writing when they stop writing.

    People have all kind of problems and they look forward to some one for a little compassion and understanding. I wish all gurus, theologians, doctors etc can do what I am doing.

    Please feel write to me at
    aamiahindu@yahoo.com

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